You've heard the expression, "falling off the wagon", right? Well, I fell off my wagon. Not only did I fall off, but the driver came back and ran me over a time or two for good measure. The horses pulling my wagon made sure to stomp on me a bit and in all the commotion, my wagon was broken into pieces. So there I was, sitting on the side of the road surrounded by all the broken pieces of my best intentions and all I could do was look around at my situation in despair. Now what? How do I get to my intended destination? Who will help me? Can my wagon ever be fixed? Is it worth fixing?
In case you were wondering, at the time of this break down my wagon was quite full. I was reading many books, one of which was a inspirational self help book that was helping me tame my bad eating habits - This morning I ate a bag of donuts for breakfast while reading my email. I was growing my little farm oasis in the city and building a soap business - We've re-homed the quail, the bees swarmed and I haven't made soap in months. I was exercising regularly - I now only run if there is a fire. I was a planner and an organizer - I am now the queen of procrastination. There is more, but I'm embarrassed.
My question is what happened to the previously sturdy and robust wagon? How did the wagon get in such disrepair?
When I stepped back and evaluated my broken mess, my first thought was that I was overdoing it. I was doing too many things, going too many places and trying to please too many people. So I stepped back. Way back. I cut things out. I said 'no' more than I said 'yes'. I eliminated the busyness. I withdrew from my own life. There in lies the problem with my thinking. I became detached from people I desired to have a relationship with. I developed an introvert-like personality when I've never been like that before. I isolated myself and refused to participate in my own life. I've since recognized the flaws in this way of thinking and am working my way back to normal. It's a deep pothole to climb out of and it takes time and effort.
My second thought was that my faith had wained. That I was not letting God choose the path my wagon should travel and that as such, I'd gone down the path of disrepair. So, I began to study the word daily. Obsessively. I threw myself into scripture and supplemental reading and prayer. All I did was read the Bible and pray. So much so, that other things began to suffer. Things like work and relationships and clear thinking were pushed aside in my quest to be holier. And might I add... holier than thou. I mean after all, look how studious I'd become. This attitude was obviously not going to fix the wagon.
Finally, after time passed and things weren't really any better it finally occurred to be that maybe the problem was balance. Maybe the wagon wheels needed an alignment. Maybe I needed some of all of it, but not all of any of it. Does that make sense? I need people and things and activities and study and scripture and prayer and house and work, but I don't need to do it all, all the time or all alone. Balance is the key! Finding the right amount of the right things at the right time. What a revelation! So I slowly added things back in. And sometimes it tips the wagon and I have to let a little back out. Think about when you were a kid and you and your friend tried to balance yourselves on the teeter totter, but you didn't weigh the same so you had to scoot forward and backward until the weight balanced out. You knew if you backed too far off too fast you could send your pal flying. Or if you got off all together, it could come crashing down. Hard. So I'm learning to balance. A little in. A little out. Slower. Faster. Up. Down. Breathe. I'm repairing the wagon and heading back out on the trail. My journey is not yet complete.
I leave you with this scripture: "For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven; a time to be born and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to breakdown, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing." ~ Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
I'm Jennifer and I am so glad to meet you! I am a working mother of 4 children, surrogate mother of 2 children's boyfriends, a few children's best friends, a god-son, a prayer pal and a very special boy who smelled his way into my heart. Our home is open and all are welcome here.